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Friday, 29 April 2011

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t fucking post here again. On this stupid blog. But I can’t just leave it and there’s no-one left to help me record things.

Ray is dead. I can’t process it. I can’t believe it. It’s so open ended... We were in the Magna, one of us keeping an eye on the entrance at all times, when we heard voices. Ray knew who they were straight off the bat, shoved me out of the way and stood infront of me. I scrabbled around a little before getting to my feet and seeing the two. Eulogy and Hammer. I knew their names from Ray's introduction I guess you could say it was. It was more of a mock casual greeting, I guess.

Of course then we turned tail and ran like hell, because I'm pregnant and Ray's human. It didn't work. Like, at all. When Ray'd shoved me out of the way, the two of us lost sight of the entrance. So it wasn't there. Like a fucking Weeping Angel. It buggered off the second it could. And of course the other two were like fucking Olympic sprinters and that bloody moron had to go and be chivalrous and tell me to "Run as he held them off." I really wanted to hit him then. But I realised something. I'm thinking for two. I can't be so reckless anymore. I can't...stand up for myself.

So I let him. I let him "Fend them off" while I fled like fucking Brave Sir Robin.

I had an enjoyable half hour/hour/month/decade trying to find the entrance again, because my senses were skewing themselves left right and center. I could smell and taste things that weren't there, feel things, see things. But I found it. I think it's more a case of wanting it and knowing that this is how the place works. I didn't exit though. I just sort of...hung about in the gap. I think I heard gunshots at a point, but it was so echoey and merely dropping a pencil could get that loud after a while...

Ray came stumbling out from a corner a way away about an hour later, something like that. His arm was bleeding heavily and he was clutching it, when he saw me he smiled a little and

And then there was this thick fog behind him and it made the air smell so strongly you could taste it. It tasted like novocaine.

The fog solidified into tentacles and thrashed around the narrow corridor we were in, I only realised that they'd pulled Ray back into the fog, where I couldn't see him after a minute. I think the fog did more than just TASTE like novocaine. I think they really did numb your own brain screaming at you to flee.

He was screaming, Tony. He was fucking screaming his lungs out. And I felt rain on my face. I ran. I turned and fucking ran for my life, for my baby's life, for my sanity...

He can't be dead. It's too open-ended.

Even though I know he is, because I have Ray’s blood on my face.

I can’t wash it off. In some strange way it’s all I have left of him, so instead I’m left staring at myself in the mirror over the sink, hands bracing themselves for when I throw up. I never do. I’m too numb still. I don’t know if this has something to do with my coma, Redlight's fucking about in my head and it’s repercussions on my emotions, or if believing Ray dead once before was all my mind and body could take. Now it’s happened a second time and I can’t even think anything other than white noise. There’s nothing in my head. Usually there’s something in my mind, something going about, something that needs testing or doing or going to. I just can’t think like that right now, but there’s no grief either. I honestly don’t think I can mourn Ray again.

It fucked me up too much the first time round.

So I’ll stand at my mirror and stare at the blood on my face, and sometime soon , I’ll wash it off. I’ll say a final goodbye.

And then I'll be damned if I don't reassess my priorities. Because I’m staying in Egypt now.

My Anorexic Associate didn't just rip out Ray's heart.

...I found this when I went to post this on Ray's blog. He seems to have written it a few weeks ago. Stupid soppy cunt. (His fucking password was "spesproreliquo", for fuck's sake.)


Ava, I know things have been difficult between us in the past few weeks and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to help you as much as I wish I could. I wrote this for you in case I died before I could help you get through all this. I know it's not much, but it's from my heart, and, in the end, that's all I can leave you. I love you, Ava. I always will.

No Reply

by Raymond Shaughnessy

If you can read this, you lost me somewhere,
But I'll always be with you, so do not despair,
I left you this poem, I knew you would find it,
I hoped you would read it and would be reminded

Of all that we shared, the laughter and tears,
Of all we confronted, the pain and the fears,
Of all we defeated, the chances and odds,
As we danced on the thunder and taunted the gods.

I'm guessing you're crying; it's good for your health
But don't turn the dark feelings in on your self.
I am at peace and you should be too,
And maybe, who knows, I can watch over you.

I cannot promise that I felt no pain,
That my death was as easy as watching the rain.
It may have been gruesome, it probably hurt,
But as long as you're living, my death has some worth.

I know that you miss me and I miss you too
But the life that I gave gave some more life to you.
So, please, do not weep for my final goodbye,
The silence that came when there was no reply.

Reach out.


  1. There are no words. Fuck, Reach- Ray.

    Fucking sappy idiot.

    Ava, I'm sorry for your loss.

  2. I... I am so sorry. Sappy, indeed... but... holy crap... now THAT is spoken from the heart...

  3. Well I'm going to cry, Avalesca, even if you won't.

    Rest in peace, Raymond Shaughnessy.

    You were my inspiration, and you didn't deserve the life you'd been handed.

  4. Haku. It's not that I WON'T. It's that I fucking CAN'T. I don't know what Redlight did to me, but I just CAN'T.

    I loved him. I just COULDN'T love him. Because of what that BASTARD did to me. However much Redlight hated him, he made me hate Ray just as much.

  5. I know. And I'm so sorry for that. For all of it. I just...

    GodFUCK, he didn't deserve this.

    And I can't even say I hope you someday get your head back on straight, because that's just going to make this hurt even more. And you don't deserve that either.

  6. I'm gonna just write here what I wrote on Ray's blog.

    I don't know how to handle these things, I mean he can't be dead, right? Cause' he's a stubborn ass kid who whines all the time but always comes back in the end. Then again, it's not like me to get my hopes up.

    Ava, you're not safe alone. If that much was planned beforehand and the three of them got you two alone before attacking, you're next. You and the baby. You have to get out of there, kid. Come back to Cathy and I.

    If you die too, I don't know what I'll do but it won't be pretty. Don't be stupid, you're thinking for two and you can't fight this thing now. Goddamn, /please/, kid.

    To Reach, no, to Ray, you were a hell of a man. I wish I had known you longer, Ray. You reminded me of the runners back in the day, the ones who were genuinely tough and fought back tooth and nail to survive. You're in a better place now, helluva lot better than where we are. Keep watch over your princess from up there, okay? She's stubborn and probably will refuse to come and stay with Cathy and me.

    ...I'm actually gonna miss you, Ray.

    Ava, we're here for you. Better yet, /I/ am here for you as your friend. And as your friend, I don't want you to do anything reckless that could get you killed. I want you safe and out of harms way. I dunno if you'll listen to me, Avalesca, but I can try to get you back to Cathy and I anyway.

  7. I didn't know Reach very well. But his loss is a huge blow to the cause. May he finally find peace.

    Ava, you know that I'm here for you, always.

  8. Stimulus accepted. Response: Repeat: ...

  9. Tony. You're my best friend, the closest I've ever had to a Father figure, but the only way I'm staying with Cathy and you is if the two of you come to Egypt to help me.

    This is not recommended.

    Celie. You too are my best friend. Vice versa, sweetheart. If you need someone, I'm only a few clicks away.


    Query: What are my odds of living if I Run?

    Query: What are my child's odds of living if I run?

    Query: Are the two mutually exclusive?

  10. Input accepted. Response: If emotional stability is achieved, 87.135%. If emotional stability is not achieved, 26.2%. In either case, assistance found along the way increases the chances by about 6%.

    Input accepted. Response: If emotional stability is achieved and there is a safe place to deliver, 77%. If emotional stability is not achieved and there is a safe place to deliver, 12%. If emotional stability is achieved but there is not a safe place to deliver, 72.3%. If emotional stability is not achieved and there is not a safe place to deliver, 1.61%. In any case, assistance found along the way increases the chances by about 12%.

    Input accepted. Response: Absolutely not.

  11. I'm not going to give you any advice as far as what you should do, Ava. I still believe in you, and despite this, and the last two months, I think you're still strong enough to survive. More callous, yes, but still just as strong, if not more so.

    I only ask that you take more care to stay healthy, and even though it's hard in this situation, calm. I know this makes me sound like some kind of suburban soccer mom, but stress isn't good for the baby. You might have to rely on charity more than you'd like in the coming months.

    Take care of yourself.

  12. Ray was a son-of-a-bitch, but at least he was a fucking good one. He didn't get everything right, but at least he did what he could.

    I don't believe we've spoken before, Ava, but I know how it feels to have a loved one ripped away from you by that monster. At least I didn't have to fucking watch, though. All you can do now is keep fighting. No matter what the demon that redlight put in your head may have whispered into your mind, keep fucking fighting. Find a way to make them pay. Find a way to make them all burn for what they did to you.

    And when he comes for you, don't give him any pleasure. Don't even scream. Take it, and then go find Ray again.

  13. Tablet. I'll take those fucking odds.

    Aimee. No, of course, I forgot. It was my pre-natal plan to eat out of bins and sleep on park benches.

    Kiera. No. No we haven't.

    Oh no shit, I have to keep fighting? I thought I was supposed to walk around, bouncing off walls due to my eyes being shut and my fingers being in my ears. Well, thank god you're here to filter my actions through the crystal prism of your intellect.

    Don't even scream? Ray screamed. Are you suggesting that he shouldn't have? That he should have kept quiet? I'll fucking bet Damien didn't.

  14. There it is. I always heard you were a fellow bitch. Good to see Ray's death didn't fucking change you a bit.

    Note that I didn't just say keep fighting, silly little girl. I said to burn it all down, every last bit. Not "keep running until you find a solution", not "charge in with no plan and get yourself killed". No. Cut that knot. Burn it all down.

    And that kid you're carrying around? Don't be an idiot. Get rid of it. Now. It's only going to get you both fucking killed in the end. It's better to have a survivor than a dead mother and child.

    And, yes, Ray was a bitch for letting that monster make him scream. I wouldn't know for sure about Damien. I hear he ate a bullet. I doubt he made much noise.

  15. Of course it didn't. He's dead. Moping about it does fuck all, changing myself and seeing the error of my ways isn't going to happen. This isn't fucking My Little Pony.

    I can read, Kiera. I'm not the moron you take me for or the others are.

    No. I'm not aborting the child, bitch. I'm keeping it. It's all I've got left of Ray and damnit, I'm a sentimental cunt. You mention the child again and I'll personally see to it that you squeal like a pig.

    Whatever. You insult him again and I will follow up on every other threat I've ever made to other people, on you.

  16. Fine, get yourself fucking killed. That's just what the world needs right now. Another good person turned into a corpse. Stop the fucking presses, this is news.

    Fight well, fellow bitch. And tell Ray I said hello when you see him.

  17. Oh please, none of us are surviving. The second I have this kid it's going to Ray's family so it can be raised unknowingly and in a loving environment.

    I'm dying. You're dying. It's what we do in the middle bit that matters. Don't tell me you don't fucking know this, Little Miss "I'm-Taking-Out-A-Cult-Filled-Town-On-My-Own-From-Within."

    I don't go over to your blog and bitch at you about perceived idiocy.

  18. That's right. I'm dead too. But at least I don't fucking weigh myself down with sentiment.

  19. You probably never had the chance.

  20. I'm very sorry for your loss.

  21. Words can not describe... You should stay numb, it'll be better that way. You mourned him once, doing again will destroy you in a different kind of way.

  22. People have said so already, but I'll be unoriginal and say it again: I miss him too. Having simply read his blog, he came off as a great guy. I can't imagine the pain of losing him like you did, knowing him as you did. I have no frame of reference, except maybe when I saw my uncle die of liver That doesn't come close to this. All I can say with certainty is that, well, I'm a dead man typing. A Revenant's gonna kill me in a couple days tops. Until he comes for me, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for driving the paranoia away for a while. Thank you for trying to rationalize this horror into something more manageable. Thank you, for keeping me say.

    Signing out forever,
    Roy Hankins

  23. Ahh, too think that his last time on Earth was trying to reach out to a woman that could not care less whether he lived or died. I find it hilarious that so many of you idiots keep posting on the blog of a woman who admits to hating all of you, and not caring if my Master cleans his non-existent teeth with your ribcage bones. And then there's the fact she is likely dead, the same fate as M, Justin, and her beloved/despised (make up your mind wench!) Reach.