I smashed the mirror in Ray and I's room. It was necessary. I kept thinking my reflection was sneering at me. I've carved MY name, Ava, into the wall, I can always see who I really am.
My voice in my head, taunting me constantly, compelling me to just move the dresser out of the way of the door, let Ray in and gut him with the mirror shards.
Writing. I find solace in writing. I've written all over the walls, the bed...Just mundane things. My life, my present, my past, everything. My biography on bedroom walls.
You're right, of course. Red doesn't have the power to create a whole separate personality. None of you even considered the fact that I had these underlying feelings anyway, the resentment and violence. He did something, put something in me, to coax them to the surface, give them power enough to push their boundaries I set for them. You see me as this thing. This thing you can hold up and see as inspiration, or a Hero. You all seem to forget that I'm barely 18. You all seem to forget that I am barely holding my shit together, that I'm barely coherent in the flesh. Well, I was considering a way out from the constant pressure, the stress.
I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I’m 18. I couldn’t deal with all these people looking to me as their fucking hope. So many of them, all the time, looking to me for help or guidance or an example to follow or something and every day there’s a new person, looking for help and I couldn’t deal with that all the time. I’m 18. I wanted to Test things not Hero about.
And I wondered if Red was a way out of that. Someone who I could work with who didn’t view me as a badarse or something different to what I am.
A Scientist and a Librarian.
His Rebellion was still against Slenderman. Not a real turncoat. Back to my roots. My original purpose. And I would still be working against Him. Just…in a different setting. Red had good resources too, not to mention the fact that I would get to keep a close eye on Cynthia.
I can't hate anyone or thing other than Slenderman now. I've never killed if I could help it and it pains me everytime I see a "Oooh, more Proxies to murder, fuck yeah." Post or something, but I had so much aggression. Now... I'm just…I’m so drained of everything. There are just so many Runners now and I can no longer bring myself to care wholly for all of them. A Million Is Just A Statistic now, and my Brother and Aaron have blended with the numbers of so many other people.
My anxiety breakdowns and my stress and my migraines and my nausea. It all faded without the pressure. After I realised that I didn't have to try and help everyone. After I realised that some of you really are just going to fade away and die. I've realised I need to eat normally and gain weight.
I’m not saying Red’s side is the "Good" side, but they’re both against Slenderman.
Ray, I love you. That hadn't changed, odd. The one thing I kept with me is the one thing that's being used against you. I was arrogant enough to think that Red wanted me, but he just wanted to get to you.
Do you think we could get to Ireland? Spender's there and I've just realised that your daughter is probably in terrible danger.
I have Aaron's and Carl's work at the forefront of my mind, currently.
Zeke. Your concern was touching. Celie, our emails and your friendship is something both horrible and amazing.
I was going to be a Mother once…
I’ve always loved children…
Ardelia Lortz is not the actual name of the thing inside me. It's me. Pure and simple, it's just another part of me. Another facet. I gave it a name. I can address it and it will answer. I will get it out of me, or under control. But I'm going to have to figure something out about the feeling of being an unwilling mole in our family. The sense off someone using my eyes will have to be dealt with one way or another.
And then this morning, I woke up to Japan. I've worn out this phone, texting so much money to the Red Cross. Ardelia hates me for it, but I don't care.
I'm so disjointed...I'm just rambling now, but I feel calmer.