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Friday, 11 March 2011

Seven years bad luck.

I smashed the mirror in Ray and I's room. It was necessary. I kept thinking my reflection was sneering at me. I've carved MY name, Ava, into the wall, I can always see who I really am.

My voice in my head, taunting me constantly, compelling me to just move the dresser out of the way of the door, let Ray in and gut him with the mirror shards.

Writing. I find solace in writing. I've written all over the walls, the bed...Just mundane things. My life, my present, my past, everything. My biography on bedroom walls.

You're right, of course. Red doesn't have the power to create a whole separate personality. None of you even considered the fact that I had these underlying feelings anyway, the resentment and violence. He did something, put something in me, to coax them to the surface, give them power enough to push their boundaries I set for them. You see me as this thing. This thing you can hold up and see as inspiration, or a Hero. You all seem to forget that I'm barely 18. You all seem to forget that I am barely holding my shit together, that I'm barely coherent in the flesh. Well, I was considering a way out from the constant pressure, the stress.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I’m 18. I couldn’t deal with all these people looking to me as their fucking hope. So many of them, all the time, looking to me for help or guidance or an example to follow or something and every day there’s a new person, looking for help and I couldn’t deal with that all the time. I’m 18. I wanted to Test things not Hero about.

And I wondered if Red was a way out of that. Someone who I could work with who didn’t view me as a badarse or something different to what I am.

A Scientist and a Librarian.

His Rebellion was still against Slenderman. Not a real turncoat. Back to my roots. My original purpose. And I would still be working against Him. Just…in a different setting. Red had good resources too, not to mention the fact that I would get to keep a close eye on Cynthia.

I can't hate anyone or thing other than Slenderman now. I've never killed if I could help it and it pains me everytime I see a "Oooh, more Proxies to murder, fuck yeah." Post or something, but I had so much aggression. Now... I'm just…I’m so drained of everything. There are just so many Runners now and I can no longer bring myself to care wholly for all of them. A Million Is Just A Statistic now, and my Brother and Aaron have blended with the numbers of so many other people.

My anxiety breakdowns and my stress and my migraines and my nausea. It all faded without the pressure. After I realised that I didn't have to try and help everyone. After I realised that some of you really are just going to fade away and die. I've realised I need to eat normally and gain weight.

I’m not saying Red’s side is the "Good" side, but they’re both against Slenderman.

Ray, I love you. That hadn't changed, odd. The one thing I kept with me is the one thing that's being used against you. I was arrogant enough to think that Red wanted me, but he just wanted to get to you.

Do you think we could get to Ireland? Spender's there and I've just realised that your daughter is probably in terrible danger.

I have Aaron's and Carl's work at the forefront of my mind, currently.

Zeke. Your concern was touching. Celie, our emails and your friendship is something both horrible and amazing.

I was going to be a Mother once…

I’ve always loved children…

Ardelia Lortz is not the actual name of the thing inside me. It's me. Pure and simple, it's just another part of me. Another facet. I gave it a name. I can address it and it will answer. I will get it out of me, or under control. But I'm going to have to figure something out about the feeling of being an unwilling mole in our family. The sense off someone using my eyes will have to be dealt with one way or another.

And then this morning, I woke up to Japan. I've worn out this phone, texting  so much money to the Red Cross. Ardelia hates me for it, but I don't care.

I'm so disjointed...I'm just rambling now, but I feel calmer.


  1. I love you too, Ava. Just do whatever you need to do to get better. I'll be here when you need me.

  2. Ava...

    I know we've never met before (I'm Stella. I was Tenebria. Long story) but you're right.

    None of us are heroes. We're just men and women who got caught up in this mess. As an ex-indoctrinated I also object to the "shoot everything" attitude because (hear me out here) some of the Indoctrinated were good people who don't deserve to die because they got caught up in this.

    I'm sure you can make it out of the situation you are in. You bloggers are a very resilient bunch and the way you support each other is kind of touching.

    Best of luck.

  3. Hero or not, you certainly seem like a good person.

    It's easy to lose track of just how young people can be online, especially those as articulate and even strong as you initially come off as. I know I've run up against that myself, in the past.

    Be well, no?

  4. So it was Jungian's Shadow Self theory after all. I've never heard of it being this direct. Usually you only run into your shadow self in dreams. Whatever Redlight did, it seemed to have allowed you to somehow unlock that part of your subconscious. Now that I know that...

    Ava, I would never expect you to be the Hero. But at the same time I would never expect you to give up.

    Nor do I expect you to fight Proxies all the time. That's the last thing I want people to do. I don't want anyone to fight...

    I just want you to be YOU. Yourself. And this new part of you...I think it would be wise to try to learn from her. Not to be too risky, but I feel like confronting this thing may be in your best judgement.

    As for Redlight, I have no clue. I still have that sort of sympathy for him, even though I hate him. But I think you should reconsider that thought...

    We're all young here. We're all under great stress. I probably just have it better than other people, since I have nothing tall, dark and faceless chasing after me every second of the day. Though it doesn't mean I'm not just as scared.

    It sounds corny, but we are all in this together. We may not be able to care for everyone, we may not be able to save everyone, but we can try. At least one person is worth it.

    If you think you could save Cynthia by allying with Redlight, I'd say go for it. Just don't forget any of your friends. Your real friends. Don't worry about us.

  5. Ava... just because people (including myself) see you as larger than life, doesn't mean you're forced to do things you don't want to do. All this time, the only things you've ever done are survive, test out Theories, and occassionally help out a close friend or loved one. No miracles, no heroics, just the things you would have done anyway, with or without an audience on blogger.

    It's because these are the things you do anyway that people love you so much. We know you're scared, we know you're hurting, we know you're ridiculously young, and we know that you never asked for any of this. But we also know how strong you are, to have made it this far. Sometimes you don't see it yourself, but we do.

    You've gone out of your way to support everyone here in their time of need, and now we're all coming together to support you in the only way we can. That's all there is to it, Ava. Nothing more or less than unified love and support for a dear friend.

  6. A hero is someone who does what is right, in the face of all odds. That you've done it so far is more than anyone could ask. Everyone wants to help as best they can, but all most of us can do is cheer from the sidelines. Lord knows my advice isn't that helpful. I want to help, but nothing that I have experienced has been along these lines. I'm sorry that I can't do more than say "Good luck."

    Although, hey, at least I have never advised, "Nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure." That's something, right? @_@

  7. Ava, I think it's about time I say it here and now. You need to stop calling me Brave. I'm not; I never have been. I chose this name for you. For Spender. For Zeke. For everyone who might ever start to doubt themselves. I chose this name because he's going to batter all of us. He'll find ways into our heads. He'll turn this into the single most grueling fight we've ever fought.

    But we have to fight it, or we've already lost. He may be stronger than me, or you, or Zeke, or anyone. But he isn't stronger than our whole blogging community. He doesn't know just how powerful we can be, when we stand side by side. The tsunami in Japan is nothing next to the destruction he could cause.

    He's a storm the likes of which the world has never seen. A storm that threatens to tear us all apart with dread and paranoia. But we can, and we will brave the storm. I just hope, when the day comes, I can count on you guys to repeat something of this effect to me. Lord knows I'll need it.

  8. None of us are really heroes Ava, only survivors live this long. Just stay alive.

  9. Goddamit Rebecca stop stressing her out!


    Reading this kind of hits a bit too close to home. I can't really comprehend know how it feels, to watch yourself do things you don't want to do. It's like a horror movie. It scares me more than ever.

    I don't know who's putting all this responsibility on your back, but those guys are dumbasses, and words cannot describe how much I want to smack them (just saying). I agree, nobody deserves to be this stressed out, not at a such an age. You don't need to worry about all of these people, but I commend you for caring despite of that. Anyone who can care for so many people while being chased by a freakin' abomination is commendable. But then again, nobodies superman in this world. And even superman has his doubts.

    Just keep on writing, maybe take a break from worrying so much about other people, and relax. No need to stress yourself out.

    Can't really give any other advise other than that, since I'm not a psychologist. I guess you can try to understand this thing a bit more. But joining that Redlight guy? Bit much isn't it? You'll save Cynthia eventually, but I don't know if joining Redlight will help save her. But then again, what do I know?

    If anything, your diary (I mean blog) is the best medicine/psychologist/picker upper in the end.

  10. Good luck, and God's speed.

  11. Hehe, everyone got around to saying everything before I got a chance to.

    Hello Avalesca, it's nice to see all of you presented. It's never fun to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, is it? But y'know what, that's okay. You're a good kid- one of the best I've met. The strange thing is that I see a good portion of myself in you. Maybe that's why I like talking to you, bickering and joking around. Every person has the skeleton in their closet that they don't want to show anyone.
    But that's alright.
    You have people supporting you, Ava. And just because you're a strong person, it doesn't mean you have to take care of everyone. Hell, I thought you knew that. Let some of us take care of you for a change. I'm sure we'd all appreciate that.
    Listen here, despite the age gap, you're the best friend I've made in a while. I hope you know that, Avalesca. And as your best friend/friend/whatever you see me as, I want you to know that I will help you however you want me to. If you want Cathy and I to drive over right now and pick you up, we will. I know what you're feeling because I've felt it- I'm sure most of us have- and you need to know you're not alone in this.
    Hehe, look at this, you've made me write a novel, kid.

    Let's talk more. Obviously when we don't bad shit goes down and we do strange things like write all over bedroom walls, or carry people around in burning buildings, hehehe!

  12. And for the record, kid, I'm going to keep bothering you until I get a solid response out of you. How's that for annoying? Hehe, bet you'll /love/ me by the end of this.

  13. feel better ava. and don't worry about big brother so much.

  14. I'm sorry, Ava. I don't think any of us really realized how much we put on you. We called you hero and looked up to you because you gave us hope simply by being you. Do what you feel is best, friend. Again, I'm sorry.

  15. There may be no such thing as a hero, Ava, but these days nobody wants the gleaming paragon of virtue who effortlessly soldiers through adversity. They want the everyman just like them who soldiers through it because that's what's right.

    Just some food for thought.

  16. Yeah, I agree with Thage. Listen to her, she's smart.

    In other news, Cathy and I are really wandering around at this point. How fun, hehehe.

    Still locked in a room?

  17. I know you're new to Twitter; do you happen to check your @mentions? Reposting here for simplicity.

    "@TheBiblisoph Unacceptable as that is, maybe you can learn from it? This being a facet of yourself, "kill it with fire" seems inappropriate."

  18. I heard from Reach you had a bad run in. Got hurt. You're really going through the ringer, huh?

    ...Cathy and I aren't sure what to do. We're wandering around at this point. I'm beginning to think she doesn't see the same things I do.

    You're gonna get better. You always do, no matter what. I guess I'm sorry that I wasn't there when this happened. It seems like as soon as we left everything went to hell for you three. I keep telling you to keep your ass outta trouble, but I think trouble is drawn to you, hehe.

    I don't really know what I'm writing at this point. But I'll keep updating for when you get better, kid.

  19. Yeah I'm still leaving comments on your blog like a retard.

    Still having a nice sleep, princess? You might wanna wake up soon, the prince is getting agitated, hehe.

    Is it stupid how much I miss being able to banter with someone? Y'know, able to be an asshole without hurting feelings? Not that I really care, but having someone to trade punches with has been fun.

    Cathy says you'll wake up soon. I believe her- she's smarter than me after all, heh.

  20. Day...I don't even know anymore to be honest, hehe. Hope you're having some pleasant dreams, kid.

    Reach is pretty worried that you're not gonna love him anymore. The big baby just needs to learn that you're not gonna stop liking him.

    Heh, I keep seeing it, Ava. I don't think it's gonna stop any time soon.

    I fuckin' hate this.

  21. "Red doesn't have the power to create a whole separate personality. None of you even considered the fact that I had these underlying feelings anyway, the resentment and violence."

    Huh. Sounds oddly familiar....

    Anyway, remember me, Ava? Yeah, I'm back. I mean, Madre de Dios, do you seriously have to blog five times a day? It's a bit offputting, you know.


  22. How do YOU know?

    No, I don't have the kind of power shut up.

  23. Huh, let's not start a fight on Ava's blog, kids. Calm down and shut up.

    By the way Librarian, I'm meeting with my daughter soon. Haven't told Cathy. Don't really want to. Hell if I know what to do at this point, I'm just trying to survive and looks like Cynthia's trying to make me fall.

    I feel old.

    Wake up soon.