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Sunday, 6 March 2011

I apologise,

For my lack of posting.

I've been so lethargic lately, it hardly seems feasible for me to get out of bed sometimes.

I feel a little better today, I haven't bolted to the bathroom to throw up yet anyway.

No, Red didn't feed me anything or inject me with anything at all. I don't...I don't exactly know what he did to me. I remember that he took me, I remember most things, I hope. I think it was just the place he took me that was perfectly fine. There's the Path Of Black Leaves and then, I guess, there's The Other Side, which seems far more averagely pressurised....He still did something though...I'm not sure what...

I don't know anymore. I don't trust my mind. I mean, I'm not losing time, I don't have gaps in my memory, I know I'm not a Redlight...

But there's this underlying, constant feeling that there's someone else in me. Always. Watching. Through my eyes. And I'm seeing Him out of the corner of my eyes, even though I know that Thage's place is "safe."

And Ray is a topic of much confusion for me.

I love him. But Red hates him. And Red is very...persuasive. I've got cuts I can't remember getting...

I feel sick when I look at Ray. There's this horrible churning feeling of pure hatred and complete devotion constantly vying for control. It's like there's a parasite in my mind, telling me what I should be thinking even when I know I'm not going to think it.

And so much happened while I was gone? Jeff? Can some please explain what the hell has happened to everyone while I was...there?

I've started microblogging too, therapy in a manner. It shuts the second voice up if I write down my answers and contradictions.

I'm still SO TIRED. Urgh god.

EDIT: Cheska! you're alive! How wonderful to see you, but how terrible you're alone.

Tensor...I don't trust you. And I shan't trust you. Ever. Your 'story' is far too...just no. I don't believe you. And after Will. Just no.

15 comments:

  1. That sounds rough, but I'm sure you'll pull through. You always do. You're like Old Faithful.

    As for what's been happening, I'm not too sure myself. Robert has revised his Core Theory. Something has been going on with Maduin, something about someone stealing plans and an attack. Something was up with StormEcho, but she seems better now. Some yellow fuck has apparently been harassing Inky's family. I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting other things, but that's all I can remember just now.

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  2. Jeff made a heroic sacrifice and Vivi was temporarily captured...and something is going to happen on the tenth, apparently. I can't remember much else either, but there's been an ongoing pattern of people disappearing, dying, or worse. ~Frap

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  3. Jeff and Cheska went to the other side to get Fizz's body back (among other things, I think..) but they got captured. Jeff stayed behind to fight them all and save Cheska. We don't know either of their current statues...

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  4. Things that have not already been mentioned:

    Well I believe you know about Sammie all ready. She got Hollowed, but she's fighting back as much as she can. Lucien got the shit kicked out him saving her, but he's alive at least. Revenants have been raiding the PTC, Frap has a new traveling companion, Robert thinks he can discover our mutual stalker's True Name, Mr. Spender is planning on heading to Ireland, but first he and Nightcrawler felt the urge to become friends by beating the shit out of each other, a Riddler wanna be has taken over Specter's blog, Slender trolls seem to be becoming even fonder of blogger then they used to, and Zeke Strahm is headed off to try and hunt down the cult that may or may not have existed from Dreams in Darkness.

    Did I miss anything?

    As far as the way you feel personally dear, I have faith. You fought back the labyrinth, you can fight back this.

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  5. I figured something like this might happen. I mean, since when do you call him Ray?

    I guess all I can say is to keep doing what you're doing. I don't know if these feelings will pass or not, but just keep telling yourself that you're safe. And try to remember what looking at Reach felt like before all of this started.


    In other news, Tensor did a Heel Face Turn, and Morningstar is suffering some consequences because of that. He (Morningstar) had been fighting back a little bit, but now they're either going to hollow him completely or kill him. The bloggers are voting and it'll be decided on the 10th.

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  6. Morningstar is a guy? With a name like that I thought for sure he was a she.

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  7. Yep. Apparently his name used to be Luke Cifer.

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  8. That's adorable. Bet he thought he was cool and everything.

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  10. Oh, someone else already commented on the "Morning Star = Lucifer = Attempt to be Ironic about how they're EVULZ" thing. Ah well. XD

    That said, I'm the guy with silly suggestions about puke. I'll try to be actually helpful in the future. I suggest you keep microblogging. Psychological constructs and attempted mental programming is easily deconstructed by the sort of thing you're doing. Find the thoughts you don't like, and deconstruct them with extreme prejudice until all that is left is You. Don't give them an opening. Shouldn't be too hard. Good luck! :D

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  11. Suffice to say, I'm shaken.

    But I'm okay.

    Welcome back Ava.

    -Cheska

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  12. Everybody pretty much covered everything, so not much I can say here....

    Except fight back. Don't let the seed that he planted in your mind (if he planted any) get rooted in. Amal has the right idea. Couldn't say it any better my friend. And hold on to the thoughts that ARE yours. Grip on to them, and don't let go. If you end up losing yourself that would be a terrible tragedy. Don't let this guy control you, I know you can do it.

    Keep holding on.

    That's all I can say........


    ....

    I just hope I can hold on. Things have been pretty screwy on my end.

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  13. Oh god, Cheska, it's good to hear from you too! -relieved sigh-

    Ava, what AmalgationSage said, times a thousand. He's rather new here, but he strikes me as a smart guy, when he's not being a smartass (in a good way =P).

    You already know what thoughts are yours and what thoughts are not, so whenever you think something bad, drop whatever you're doing and remind yourself of ALL the ways that thought is 100% wrong. Using your journal would probably help; don't bother writing down the thought itself, that would just give it more strength. But instead, write down all the good things you can come up with to counter the thought. Then, if you ever have that thought again, all those counterarguments are already there, written down, and real, much more real than anything Redlight could've told you.

    And above all else, make sure you accept the support people offer you. Even if you feel like you don't need it, or worse, like you shouldn't need it, do it anyway. Try to avoid being alone, at least for the time being. If you start to feel sick, then go hang out with Thage for a while. Something tells he she'll be able to help a lot.

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  14. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ryuu.

    The Other Side. Huh. The full impact of that just hit. You may have been walking on the Astral Plane. Interesting. Not important right now, but interesting.

    In response to the twitter feed: Redlight did a number on you. You may want to force yourself to hug Ray, and keep a hold on him. Don't let the ideas make you run. Go against them HEAD ON. Smash them against yourself until they are broken and you are whole. This is what it is to fight monsters. Do not let it consume you. Destroy the constructs, and be whole. Everybody's rooting for you.

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