Twitter Updates 2.2: FeedWitter

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

So much.

So much going on. Zeke. Oh shit. Celie. Fuck I don't want to, don't make me tell you. Don't see the things. Don't GO THERE it WON'T END WELL.

Great. Now I sound like a crazy person. Sorry guys, I'm playing my cards close to my chest for this one. Slendy knocked me out for a reason. Later. Later, later, later. I hope I never have to explain.

Fuck this shit.

God my head.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Seven years bad luck.

I smashed the mirror in Ray and I's room. It was necessary. I kept thinking my reflection was sneering at me. I've carved MY name, Ava, into the wall, I can always see who I really am.

My voice in my head, taunting me constantly, compelling me to just move the dresser out of the way of the door, let Ray in and gut him with the mirror shards.

Writing. I find solace in writing. I've written all over the walls, the bed...Just mundane things. My life, my present, my past, everything. My biography on bedroom walls.

You're right, of course. Red doesn't have the power to create a whole separate personality. None of you even considered the fact that I had these underlying feelings anyway, the resentment and violence. He did something, put something in me, to coax them to the surface, give them power enough to push their boundaries I set for them. You see me as this thing. This thing you can hold up and see as inspiration, or a Hero. You all seem to forget that I'm barely 18. You all seem to forget that I am barely holding my shit together, that I'm barely coherent in the flesh. Well, I was considering a way out from the constant pressure, the stress.

I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I’m 18. I couldn’t deal with all these people looking to me as their fucking hope. So many of them, all the time, looking to me for help or guidance or an example to follow or something and every day there’s a new person, looking for help and I couldn’t deal with that all the time. I’m 18. I wanted to Test things not Hero about.

And I wondered if Red was a way out of that. Someone who I could work with who didn’t view me as a badarse or something different to what I am.

A Scientist and a Librarian.

His Rebellion was still against Slenderman. Not a real turncoat. Back to my roots. My original purpose. And I would still be working against Him. Just…in a different setting. Red had good resources too, not to mention the fact that I would get to keep a close eye on Cynthia.

I can't hate anyone or thing other than Slenderman now. I've never killed if I could help it and it pains me everytime I see a "Oooh, more Proxies to murder, fuck yeah." Post or something, but I had so much aggression. Now... I'm just…I’m so drained of everything. There are just so many Runners now and I can no longer bring myself to care wholly for all of them. A Million Is Just A Statistic now, and my Brother and Aaron have blended with the numbers of so many other people.

My anxiety breakdowns and my stress and my migraines and my nausea. It all faded without the pressure. After I realised that I didn't have to try and help everyone. After I realised that some of you really are just going to fade away and die. I've realised I need to eat normally and gain weight.

I’m not saying Red’s side is the "Good" side, but they’re both against Slenderman.

Ray, I love you. That hadn't changed, odd. The one thing I kept with me is the one thing that's being used against you. I was arrogant enough to think that Red wanted me, but he just wanted to get to you.

Do you think we could get to Ireland? Spender's there and I've just realised that your daughter is probably in terrible danger.

I have Aaron's and Carl's work at the forefront of my mind, currently.

Zeke. Your concern was touching. Celie, our emails and your friendship is something both horrible and amazing.

I was going to be a Mother once…

I’ve always loved children…

Ardelia Lortz is not the actual name of the thing inside me. It's me. Pure and simple, it's just another part of me. Another facet. I gave it a name. I can address it and it will answer. I will get it out of me, or under control. But I'm going to have to figure something out about the feeling of being an unwilling mole in our family. The sense off someone using my eyes will have to be dealt with one way or another.

And then this morning, I woke up to Japan. I've worn out this phone, texting  so much money to the Red Cross. Ardelia hates me for it, but I don't care.

I'm so disjointed...I'm just rambling now, but I feel calmer.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry, Ray. But it's not good for me to be around you guys for the moment. And I'm sorry, Thage for your dresser's sake, but it's the only thing I can think of to keep the door closed.

Ray, the nightmare last night...I realised something. I was looking at a mirror and called myself  "Ardelia Lortz."

Of course I did. The correlations...I feel like Naomi and Ardelia, and I've found my liquorice, Ray. The thing that makes Ardelia scream in utter fucking terror and anger.

I can't talk to you, she hates that, tries to kill you. The only reason I haven't is sheer fucking willpower. But I can type. I can read. I don't know how to get rid of that feeling everytime I look around of someone using my eyes, I don't know how to stop myself from sneering at you, but I know how to shut the voice the fuck up.

I love you. Please, god, don't doubt that.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

I apologise,

For my lack of posting.

I've been so lethargic lately, it hardly seems feasible for me to get out of bed sometimes.

I feel a little better today, I haven't bolted to the bathroom to throw up yet anyway.

No, Red didn't feed me anything or inject me with anything at all. I don't...I don't exactly know what he did to me. I remember that he took me, I remember most things, I hope. I think it was just the place he took me that was perfectly fine. There's the Path Of Black Leaves and then, I guess, there's The Other Side, which seems far more averagely pressurised....He still did something though...I'm not sure what...

I don't know anymore. I don't trust my mind. I mean, I'm not losing time, I don't have gaps in my memory, I know I'm not a Redlight...

But there's this underlying, constant feeling that there's someone else in me. Always. Watching. Through my eyes. And I'm seeing Him out of the corner of my eyes, even though I know that Thage's place is "safe."

And Ray is a topic of much confusion for me.

I love him. But Red hates him. And Red is very...persuasive. I've got cuts I can't remember getting...

I feel sick when I look at Ray. There's this horrible churning feeling of pure hatred and complete devotion constantly vying for control. It's like there's a parasite in my mind, telling me what I should be thinking even when I know I'm not going to think it.

And so much happened while I was gone? Jeff? Can some please explain what the hell has happened to everyone while I was...there?

I've started microblogging too, therapy in a manner. It shuts the second voice up if I write down my answers and contradictions.

I'm still SO TIRED. Urgh god.

EDIT: Cheska! you're alive! How wonderful to see you, but how terrible you're alone.

Tensor...I don't trust you. And I shan't trust you. Ever. Your 'story' is far too...just no. I don't believe you. And after Will. Just no.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

And how are we today, friends?

I appear to be in...Dexter, Maine.

Oh the irony.

I'll speak later, I' very tired right now.

Where are you, guys? I, I'm not in Seattle, where are you now? Can you get me? Oh god adjusting to Real World is nauseating...