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Monday, 7 February 2011

Oh well fuck you, Life.

Woke up in cold sweats and crying. Father was there next to my bed again. I swear I felt those fingers against my neck again.

This is getting utterly ludicrous. I know I come across as perfectly sane and rational and normal in my posts, but that's only because I'm writing and I can go back and delete the bits where I start rambling about how nauseous I feel constantly, how terrified I am every time I am anywhere, even near people because, hell, Reach was mere inches in front of me and then I was suddenly somewhere else, hell, I'm doubting if I'm even posting this right now, it could just be another thing that The Labyrinth has decided to inflict on me. Because it would do that, you know, it would make me think I'm out of it and then suddenly pull me back. Like Room 1408. It's that hellish, save it's not a book, it's real. Or...not real-real, but mind-real.

And I'm always turning to the side to make a snide comment about something to Reach.

And I'm constantly shaky, like I'm wired on caffeine. I've misspelt shit because my hands are so jittery. And I'm SO DAMN TIRED because I can't even sleep sometimes due to...well, the memories.

They aren't nightmares, not really, nightmares are something your mind's made up. These are memories of what happened, played over and over and over and over and over until I just want to claw out my mind's eye and then ALWAYS when I wake, from those memories or just a nap, even a daydream, that Father thing is there. Always at my shoulder. Always reaching out to paw at me.

And ever since I bit him that taste has not gone. It's like bile in my mouth, always there. Nothing gets rid of it. Save for the constant gum-chewing. But you can't chew gum when you sleep, so bang goes that during the night. Most people wake up with morning breath, I wake up with a taste that means the first thing I do in the morning, apart from cry, stare wide eyed at my dead Father trying to paw at my neck with his entrails on the verge of spilling over his broken jaw, is bolt to my bathroom once he's dissipated and throw up. Which, among other things, is really not healthy.

And those whispers are there. In the dark, at night, I hear them from behind doors, windows, chairs....

And I can't drink here.

I can't exactly swim either, considering the stitches in my leg, arm and all the bruises.

In other, less angsty, news, Dr Aaron McKenna is a jumpy little upstart in his twenties who believe that little girls shouldn't be allowed on digs without a degree in Archaeology.

I want to shoot him through the phone.

But I can't, because I had to sell the shotguns back to "James" thanks to airport security.

And that's the only reason why.

Not the fact that he used to look up my dress when I was nine.

Oh god, can I just get a break for a day?

I'm going to see if I can scream Aaron into submission through the phone.

I'm glad that you're all alive, even if a few of you have gone and buggered up some part of your bodies or minds. ¬_¬

Catch you on the flip side, friends,

~Avalesca

17 comments:

  1. Be careful, Ava. Try to keep as safe and sane as you can, considering the things you are going through right now.

    I promise neither me nor Chess have buggered any part of ourselves up. We're alright. One of the proxies tried to climb in the window and encountered our little surprise. There's blood on the windowsill n_n

    --Vivi

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  2. ........

    I don't even think I want to know why. :)

    And thank you.

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  3. I'll stay unbuggered if you get unbuggered.

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  4. And how does one unbugger?

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  5. Meditation and Zen Buddhism worked wonders for me. Find a relaxing activity you thoroughly enjoy and do it every time you feel the fatigue encroaching.

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  6. Maybe a cleansing tea for the taste? I'll see what I can dig up.

    *hug*

    You'll catch a break sweetie. Law of averages says so.

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  7. even now there is hope for man

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  8. @Thage. Thanks, but do you think that'll work? I mean, I hear those things the second I close my eyes.

    ......I actually have none, at least, none I could do now, in Egypt, or even now, being Slenderstalked.

    >> And I haven't seen him around lately....

    @Kay, heheheheh. I'll see what that can do. I was wondering about cranberry juice, since it just makes the mouth feel papery....

    He. Thanks for thinking so.

    @Slice. I'm going to come out and say it. I'm concerned for you. I've seen the shit you're doing on your blog and I don't care whatever reason it's for. It's really fucking stupid of you.

    Secondly.

    You've been saying that a lot lately. And I'm concerned that it isn't you saying those words....

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  9. i hope that last comment wasnt directed at me.

    and lets be honest here for a moment; ava, you are just as sane as i. ive been doubting that ive been awake this entire time. hell i might be in some different form of the Labyrinth right now. its probably safe to assume that i am too.

    on a happy note: my conversation with slendy is up on my blog, if you havent seen it yet. he isnt much of a conversationalist, but his voice is rather nice to listen to in my mind... i can understand why so many people just up and join him. hes very passive persuasive.

    and there he is! huh. kinda odd that he wasnt there a second ago. oh well. im gonna leave now, maybe talk to him again. i dunno. whatever happens, happens.

    oh and one last thing.

    if at all possible, could you take a bottle of water out in the middle of a courtyard and just set it down?

    thanks.

    -Matthew
    The Id's Ego

    Stay Sane, Stay Alive

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  10. I hope you start feeling better.

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  11. God "James" Is disgusting.

    I hope you start feeling better Ava.

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  12. Hehe, this Aaron guy sounds like a pain in the ass- wish I was there to punch him in the nose right now. If you knock him out he can't say no to you going and looking around.

    And as for the dreams, well, happens to all of us. Even after everything ends and you're running again you can't seem to believe that you really survived whatever it was that happened and then can't let it go. The actual fight is just half of what it does. The time after the fight is where it can get you usually.

    It's useless to tell you to calm down and let it go because my words can't change anything. In the end it's gonna be up to you to choose to face this fear you've developed and basically kick it in the balls. You do that and I think things might get a little better. I dunno, just a suggestion.

    Keep yourself safe too, kid. You seem to have a knack for attracting the worst kind of trouble and then instead of running away like a /sane/ person, you run /towards/ it. Jesus you're gonna make my hair turn grey faster than it needs to, heh. Don't let the little things get you down, you gotta be your usual annoyingly cheerful self on the internet and off. I think it really throws it off.

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  13. I'm not all that surprised, to be honest. Have you considered that you have a bit of PTSD? With all the terrible shit that's been happening to you, it seems quite likely. The good thing about PTSD is you can manage/fix it with time.

    Many hearts,
    Rob

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  14. @Matt.....You're a fucking stupid prick. Seriously.

    We don't have a courtyard. We have a desert. But, I did it anyway. Now why did I do that?

    @Tony. Hehehe. I would pay to see that, but unfortunately, the only reason I need him on side is because he's the only one who can take me round the temples and pyramids without falling into some kind of Ancient Egyptian booby trap.

    OHOHOHOHOHO. I found TEN grey hairs yesterday. Thanks to YOU PEOPLE. TEN! I'm eighteen!! I've got crows feet and grey hairs!

    Hehehe, you mean, "Ava. I think you're going to make me CRY again."

    I shall never cease teasing you about that. Just so you know. XD

    @Ouroboros. ......I think we ALL have some forms of PTSD, mate XD

    Rob? You know I always assumed you were a girl......I assume everyone's a girl on here XD

    ^__^

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  15. Well, the best you could do is try the suggestions the others have put up. I'm not much help in this deparment, being emotionally stunted as I am. :3
    Anyways, good luck with Aaron. Also, I think cranberry juice is a great idea for trying to clear that taste out of your mouth. :3

    -Summer

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  16. :D wanted to see if you would.

    paranoia is growing. had to make sure you trust me and that i could trust you.

    sorry about that...

    and i really am sorry about being stupid and prick like. it was never my intention.

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  17. -late- Ha haaa, We probably do! There should be a group for this, like AA.
    And! 8D I /am/ a girl! I like Rob because it's shorter than Ouroboros and reminds me of Robin. As my avatar will show, I have a thing for birds.

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